"Undead" review

Undead (2003)

Directors: Michael Spierig Peter Spierig
Writers: Michael Spierig Peter Spierig

Felicity Mason ... Rene
Mungo McKay ... Marion
Rob Jenkins ... Wayne
Lisa Cunningham ... Sallyanne

A bunch of meteorites rain down on Australia. They have the unfortunate side effect of turning people into the living dead. As most of the town turns into blood thirsty ghouls, a few lucky ones manage to survive and band together in a house. The owner just happens to have a bomb shelter and a triple barrel shotgun handy for just such an emergency. Good thing they ran into him. Soon the zombies will converge on the house which gives everyone a chance to make some serious zombie splatter. Undead heads, arms and legs start flying off after being shot a few hundred times. The truth behind the undead plague slowly comes out and makes the movie more complicated than it needed to be.

“Undead” is a show-off movie. It takes the standard comedic zombie movie formula and blasts its way through with all three barrels. “Undead” is designed to highlight the horror movie making skills of its directors and serve as their blood-soaked calling card. There is nothing terribly innovative in “Undead” but it manages to serve up plenty of gore and guts to please the undiscerning horror fan. The sci-fi twist to the story felt like it was tacked on to show that the filmmakers love all of the B-movie genres and can excel at any of them.

That said, I still enjoyed “Undead”. I would certainly classify myself as an undiscerning horror fan. I keep watching these movies in the vague hope that someone out there just wants to entertain me with some visceral thrills. “Undead” keeps the zombie blood flying and the triple barreled shotguns blasting. It didn’t need to come up with some convoluted reason for the zombie outbreak but I can overlook it’s over ambition when the blood is spraying as much as it is. “Undead” is worth a look.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 triple barreled undead killers

"Bloody Mallory" review

Bloody Mallory (2002)

Director: Julien Magnat
Writers: Stéphane Kazandjian Julien Magnat

Olivia Bonamy ... Mallory
Adrià Collado ... Père Carras
Jeffrey Ribier ... Vena Cava
Laurent Spielvogel ... Le pape
Valentina Vargas ... Lady Valentine

B-movies cannot serve two masters. You are either down with providing cheap thrills to a desperate audience or you walk away from the cameras and no one gets hurt. “Bloody Mallory” is trying to get you to believe that it’s a French version of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” but it’s just another bait and switch. The B-movie setting is just a smokescreen so that “Bloody Mallory” can spend it’s time bashing the Catholic Church and the Pope. The Pope gets kidnapped and Mallory and the misfits go after him. At one point, the Pope gets lectured for his stance against sodomy. As one transsexual character says to the Pope, “Give me sodomy or give me death.” It was then that I knew that the movie was lost in a haze of its own perceived cleverness. Mallory and friends did not want to kill demons taking over the world. They just wanted the Pope to know that he’s wrong for denying them sodomy. *Sigh* Will the rip-offs never end?

Of course, I wasn’t expecting much from “Bloody Mallory”. I just wanted to see if Mallory could waste demons while looking hot in her red leather outfit. Not asking too much I think. Well, apparently it was. Any action scene in “Bloody Mallory” is lacking as Mallory doesn’t make for a convincing action hero. The fight scenes are brief and unimaginative. I’m not sure how Mallory got her nickname but there isn’t much blood splatter in this flick either. Demons croak the second Mallory looks at them. Also, her team of slayers are some of the lamest losers ever to grace a demon killing film. From the little girl telepath to the leggy transsexual, I didn’t care about any of them. It’s not often I root for the monsters to win, but I would have been happy if they would have ripped and clawed their way through this team of rejects.

“Bloody Mallory” is a bust. It promises a B-movie bonanza with a French Buffy but stiffs us at every turn. It’s a sad day when one of the few things I can remember from a B-movie is a cry for more sodomy. Why would anyone think that the Pope is going to be positive on sodomy? More importantly, why does the subject even come up in a demon slaying flick? I can only hope that the tranny got laid. He/She’s cry for help has really touched me. Let tranny’s be tranny’s for God’s sake! Thank you “Bloody Mallory” for wasting my time. I mean, showing me that killing monsters is secondary to pleading for guilt-free sodomy!

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 misfit Mallorys

"Killing Me Softly" review

Killing Me Softly (2002)

Director: Kaige Chen
Writers: Kara Lindstrom

Heather Graham ... Alice
Joseph Fiennes ... Adam
Natascha McElhone ... Deborah
Ulrich Thomsen ... Klaus

Heather Graham is in trouble. She’s in a bad movie and there is no escape. She falls hard for a mountain climber. Yes, a mountain climber. Joseph Fiennes is the dashing stud who takes Heather away from her mundane boyfriend and introduces her to a life of wild sexual abandon. They even try the missionary position! Alas, there is trouble in paradise as mysterious letters start showing up warning Heather of the terrible movie she’s in. This inspires her to act like there’s something interesting going on when the only thing interesting in this movie is figuring out when she’s going to get naked again.

Ever since seeing Heather Graham in “Austin Powers” as Felicity Shagwell, (and the accompanying Lenny Kravitz video for “American Woman”), I’ve longed for the day when Heather would show her beautiful breasts to the world. Like so many other horny suckers out there, I rented this movie for just that purpose. I had no idea what the story was about nor did I care. I just wanted Graham.

Well, ten minutes into the movie Graham is getting her shirt ripped open by Joseph Fiennes so he can have his way with her Grahams. Twenty minutes into the movie, she’s moved in with him for some more naked posings. Another twenty minutes go by and they’re married and having lame S&M sex on their honeymoon. By the hour mark, Graham is too suspicious of her intense husband to get naked again. At this point, the viewer sits back as the movie kills him softly with its inane dialogue, atrocious acting and various other scenes that don’t have anything to do with Heather Graham getting naked.

So “Killing Me Softly” peaks in the first ten minutes and goes downhill from there. On the plus side, “Killing Me Softly” has some really cheesy acting which leads to a lot of good laughs. I’m usually not one to bash acting abilities, but this movie does Heather Graham no favors. Graham did not convince me of any emotion she put on display. I didn’t believe that she was in love with Fiennes, obsessed with Fiennes, afraid of Fiennes, or even knew who Fiennes was. As a horny super agent in “Austin Powers”, she had reached the pinnacle of her acting ability. “Killing Me Softly” pushes her too hard and allowed the audience to have many belly laughs at her expense.

Since most of Heather Graham’s naked scenes in “Killing Me Softly” can be found on the internet, skip this movie and start downloading. You’ll miss some good laughs but you’ll see Heather in all her glory and that’s what’s important here.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 silk stalkings

"Sexual Suspects" review

Sexual Suspects (2005)

Director: Edward J. Kerry
Writer: L. Douglas Zajec

Jessica Jaymes ... Kate
Shyla ... Sierra (as Amanda Auclair)
Taimie Hannum ... Madison
Joe Souza ... Jack
Danny Pape ... Paul Dance
Kevin Harvilla ... Chase
Slim Shady ... Logan (as Dez)

I was given this DVD screener. “Sexual Suspects” is about a bunch of horny thieves on the run. They have stolen a bag of gold coins and need to put them in a safe until the coast is clear. In order for the thieves not to stress out about the bad guys gunning for them, they embark on a strict regimen of sex to keep their minds at ease. There are six sexual suspects stuck at the cabin and they will all get a chance to help each other unwind.In the first five seconds of “Sexual Suspects”, Amanda Auclair gets topless and proceeds to give head to a lucky guy driving a Jaguar. Amanda’s breasts are an amazing sight to behold. So within seconds, this movie has caught my interest. “Sexual Suspects” does not waste time in making it very clear what kind of entertainment it has to offer. Taimie Hannum shows up, has sex a couple of times and looks good doing it. One time has her on a table with the safe next to her while she yells out a famous line from “Marathon Man”. Taimie likes her Olivier.

Jessica Jaymes is the last of the female sexual suspects and looks amazing. There’s a great scene where she blows off Amanda’s advances but then realizes what a mistake she’s made and proceeds to play with herself. The camera goes back and forth between her and Amanda who is also playing with herself. These kinds of scenes usually don’t work for me but this time it hit. The music that was playing coupled with two beautiful women longing for each other made it happen.

“Sexual Suspects” goes through the motions of the B-softcore formula to deliver a reasonable enough way to spend your late night. Its tone is a little too serious to truly enjoy it but with their three hot suspects getting naked on a regular basis, there are plenty of sex scenes to keep you up at night.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 very sexual suspects

Amanda Auclair and Taimie Hannum. The "Call Girl Wives" combo is powerful.

Jessica Jaymes takes it over the top. Wow.