"Batman & Robin" review

Batman & Robin (1997)

Directed by Joel Schumacher
Writing credits Akiva Goldsman

Arnold Schwarzenegger .... Mr. Freeze/Dr. Victor Fries
George Clooney .... Batman/Bruce Wayne
Chris O'Donnell .... Robin/Dick Grayson
Uma Thurman .... Poison Ivy/Dr. Pamela Isley
Alicia Silverstone .... Batgirl/Barbara Wilson
Michael Gough .... Alfred Pennyworth
Pat Hingle .... Commissioner James Gordon
John Glover .... Dr. Jason Woodrue
Elle Macpherson .... Julie Madison
Vivica A. Fox.... Ms. B. Haven

Bat-nipples and Bat-rear ends. That horrific sight starts the movie off. That should give you a good indication of where this train wreck is heading. "Batman and Robin" goes for all out, unapologetic, campy cheese. Poor Batman. I felt bad for the Dark Knight and the neutering he endured with this flick.

Mr. Freeze terrorizes Gotham City with his deadly freezing power and atrocious jokes: "The ICEMAN cometh." "All right everybody, CHILL!" And my personal favorite: "You're not sending me to the COOLER!" Poison Ivy shows up to vamp and camp it up. Batman and Robin argue about Poison Ivy and various trust issues. They have issues. But isn't the real issue how they feel about each other? Putting on those leather outfits night after night is doing something strange to them...
If a Batman flick is working like it should, I shouldn't even be thinking there is something going on between the Bat-boys. Obviously, "Batman and Robin" is not working. Batman is the coolest super hero out there. But first and foremost, he is a detective. He is an obsessed maniac who puts on a bat costume every night to do battle with the same criminal elements that murdered his parents. The Batman in "Batman and Robin" was a bad joke telling, worry wart of a father figure. Or maybe he was supposed to be a big brother figure? Or was it a frustrated lover figure? All of these figures are bad. When I think Batman, I think brooding, obsessive loner. Remember filmmakers: Batman = Brooding. Not moping. There's a difference.

I'd go 2 out of 4 on this one. The only thing I liked about "Batman and Robin" was Uma Thurman. She gets both points. She was quite hot as Poison Ivy. She could blow her love dust in my face. I'd obey. I'm not as powerful as Bane but I am just as loyal. I'd need a super villain name though. If her garden needs tending, call me The Fertilizer.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 garden tending Ivys